i hate u

January 14, 2009 at 3:42 am (feelings) (, )

i feel so hurt rite now but what’s the point in saying things that i just very well might regret later on? i cannot fathom how u can say n do the things u said n did. but i m the loser, as usual.

worse part is, i have to wake up in less than 5 hours but it’s hard to sleep especially sporting a headache, tummyache from 4-5pm til now and a heartache for the what?? trillionth time??

i think u re a genius at trampling hearts and smashing it into a billion pieces. i think i could even write an entire novel on it or perhaps come out with a hit song on that.

it’s funny how ppl u care most are the ones that will hurt u the most.

it’s funny how one is supposed to stop n think before one speaks but the other person will just sputter hateful and hurtful words with nary a thought of and for ur feelings.

how can ppl say the things they do in the heat of the moment or in anger and rage n then expect ppl to forget? words once spoken can’t be taken back.

i wonder why i stick up with all the nonsense all these years. am i making a mistake? or perhaps i m living the mistake over and over and again?

perhaps, i m a weak fool. i fear change and i hate the unknown. i doubt hope but still hope in vain.

u re riding on the waves where else i m an ostrich with it’s head stuck in the sand.

some kind of new year this is turning out for me.

ppl say,“at least u r safe n unharm… “

but the question is… “am i really?? if only…..”

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sleepy

December 10, 2008 at 10:36 pm (feelings) (, )

man. i don’t know why but i feel so exhausted. it’s as if i m going to fall ill soon and my body aches. i feel as if i did some major exercising or that i carried some really heavy stuff ytd and now my joints ache. came back home and slept immediately til 8ish and had dinner. wanted to clean my room or do some useful stuff but just feel literally bone weary tired.

who knows? might head off early to sleep. going to sg wang tmr again… must tahan the spending!!! i looooove buying clothes but not the part where i can’t fit into it or look frumpy =p

ps: can’t wait for 14days to pass… F-A-S-T!!! wheeee…..

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once again, nothing lasts…

November 2, 2008 at 5:52 pm (feelings) (, , )

i gave u something precious.

u took it, trampled on it, spat at it and broke it into a million pieces.

i never knew u could be such a jerk, such a butthole.

an all over just cos ur tv show was more important.

i guess u re happy now. then, good for u.

maybe we’re better off this way.

i truly regretted the day i first saw u.

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in 10 hours time…

October 30, 2008 at 10:50 pm (countdown, feelings) ()

i m going back to a place where i really dread. it is a place where i learn about racism, favourtism, how important it is to have good PR cos it definitely lets u off the hook of tai chi-ing work to others and the lack of support and mostly the lack of appreciation and recognition of hardwork!

i think that sometimes, managers and partners are so caught up in their own politics that they dun give a toot forget the welfare and wellbeings of their staff or else they just put on a show of caring. i believe that a manager or partner should stand by their staff against the client no matter what! if the staff had erred or blundered etc, then they should be reprimanded by the manager/partner and not the manager/partner using the staff as a scapegoat and placate the client by agreeing and promising anything under the sky.

if they do that, then where is the independence? and does it not then defeat the very foundation of what we are supposed to be doing and upholding in our line of work? then again, what we’re taught in theory in uni, in our so-called-professional examintations (ie CPA, ACCA, ICAEW etc), our in house training are just nothing but words as it so very often isn’t practiced in reality.

i guess ppl are just susceptible to the dark side. it’s just in our nature to be sinful.

and it’s even sadder that ppl embrace it and dun care of the ultimate consequence of where they might end up eventually for eternity.

anyhow, i seem to have digress once again. i m still trying not to dwell for dwelling will only lead to dark and gloomy thoughts… so, i’ll just have to take one day at a time.

hopefully, tmr i dun have to go out.

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to wordpress or to blogspot… that is d question!

October 30, 2008 at 1:47 am (feelings, musing, rant) (, , )

actually, in conjunction with my change of mindset from the super negative and pessimistic me to the cheery chirpy me, i have been thinking of changing the blog theme. when i was pessmistic, i felt that the current dark blue gloomy template suited my then gloomy thoughts and temperament very well. However, now it just looks tooo “gloomy”.

and i ve been thinking of actually joining nuffnang. they seem to be pretty hype and happening bunch with loads of really hip ideas! and i have been blogging since 2003 itself ay my previous blogspot account and yeah even if my blog may not have many readers (for now, that is)… there’s no harm in starting from somewhere rite? who knows what can happen in a year? just take a look at nuffnang’s short history to present success.. i mean, who knows what may even happen tmr

u just never know.

hence, i was checking out nuffnang’s site, to better understand their terms and conditions and from what i understand, it may be better for me to continue blogging at my previous blog in blogspot! and the funny thing is… i ve always preferred blogspot! i find it easier to post my pics… to use verdana font instead etc. u have to understand that i m not computer savvy watsoever. so, html is out of the question! i m the kind of person who just knows how to check her mail, surf the net, chat on msn and that’s basically about it. a real dumbo at computer staff or anything for that matter.

ok. i seem to have digress. as usual. so, the question is… “why did i change to wordpress instead?”, rite? it’s because of their privatise-an-entry-function! for blogspot, i can only set a limit to invited guests only to read my uninteresting and morbid entries as a form of protection to any unwanted readers where else with wordpress, i would be able to password protect specifically the entries i didn’t want certain ppl to read. i was ok with ppl reading certain parts of my entries but not all especially office ppl.

anyhow, with the terms set out, it would seem that i’ll be heading back to my blogspot account. we shall see how things goes.

ps: Sigh. Job allocation is out and i am thoroughly upset with my allocation. I must have pissed someone off to be assigned to a shitty job (or so i was told) til end of march and at the beck n call of the other dept’s senior (whom it seems might not be so nice or so i was told). and it is a possibility that i am to be the lab rat (as per a friend) experiment in the integration of jobs with the other dept. i really  don’t like their work-late-even-if-there-isn’t-a-need-to culture! this is SO going to put my “positive me” mindset to a test which at this moment i can feel my happy me wavering… and slipping…

and hence…

Dear God,

please grant me the serenity to accept the things that i cannot change;

courage to change the things that i can; 

and the wisdom to know the difference.

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yet another sad episode

October 9, 2008 at 1:52 am (feelings) (, )

such despair

such despair

sad again. down again.

thinking sad. feeling down.

but hey… what’s new?

*Sigh*

moving on… starting new.. thinking positive… isn’t easy..

keep pressing on..

and no matter what.. at least i know that u still love me…

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panic attack!

October 9, 2008 at 12:05 am (feelings, random) ()

*sigh*

mini hypervantilating now… having a case of panic attack..

“why?? why??”

maybe cos i feel there’s so much at stake and yet…

all i can say is.. all the best to me and dear God, it’s in your hands.

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Protected: who am i to u?

September 17, 2008 at 12:27 am (feelings, rant) (, , , )

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omg!! so excited of d possibility!!! and i hope it becomes a reality!!

September 11, 2008 at 10:01 pm (feelings) ()

SO excited!!

SO excited!!

 

“omg!! so excited of d possibility!!! and i hope it becomes a reality!!” was my gmail nick and yesterday until now and i had 2 friends who left me a msg asking what was d “possibility”???

Another friend (who is sooooo cute) called me just to ask what was i excited about and  she said it got her excited too as i never am excited about anything.

…… “-_-“ ……… *sweat betul*

i feel insulted!! cos it appears that i m never excited! *pfffft*  then again, NOT!!! *haha*

So, let me share with you what the possibility is or rather was all about. My bf called me yesterday and said that his mum asked if he would like to come back to Malaysia during his mid sem break which will be end sept/early oct for his dad’s bday and I think his mum misses him too as she’s not seen him in more than a year! When he told me about it, I was freaking excited despite knowing that it’s JUST a possibility.

However, that nincompoop (this is said with love) didn’t seem too keen about it and he said that if he does come back this round, then he won’t come back end of the year. Seriously, he killed all my excitement and pissed me off a little. However, i understand his hesitation due to assignments and what not.

So, yeah… guess it’s time to change nick to =(

Knew that it was too true to be good… as usual

story of my life….

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no one gives a damn, y do i?

September 1, 2008 at 1:17 am (feelings) ()

she stared at the blade as she sliced the shoe box by the cupboard. the blade was sharp and had sliced through the box. for a micro mini second the morbid thought of what if” the blade sliced through a vein on a wrist flutters past.

“would there be lots of blood?”

“would there be pain?”

“how long til life will seep out completely?”

“is the soul then damned to hell for eternity?”

“why don’t i have the guts to do it?”

then again, maybe it wasn’t for a micro mini second.

thank you for making me mad, for the tears that won’t stop and lastly for the hurt and the pain and a broken heart that has been glued back one too many times and there will come a time when it can’t be mended anymore. kudos and thank you for your “love”.

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