who am i?

October 17, 2008 at 1:38 pm (musing) (, , , )

high school

high school

some ppl from high school who used to be nerdy or nerdy looking NOW dresses up or looks better/smarter and there are some who used to be gangsters doing poorly in exams seem to be better off NOW in uni/work and there are the other some ppl who used to kononnya looked better in high school NOW looks chubbier or less attractive or results aren’t as good as they used to be. mind u, i said “some” ppl…

i guess ppl change over time and are molded through circumstances and experiences. with different situations, one is faced with many choices to make. once, one has chosen the particular choice/action to take, the consequences have to be lived through. in office itself, i see some high school mates who used to look average etc. but now dresses up and looks smarter and i salute these ppl for making the effort to improve their looks or situation and for really going all out to make it happen despite others poking fun at them. look at xia xue!! classic example… in terms of physical looks.

the question that begs to be asked is… “so, who am i?”

am i still the little girl that was defiant, semi rebellious with a strong character who tried her best to strive to be a good girl… to obey God and all? the little girl who constantly worried about school as her mandarin sucked then and still sucks now and was always afraid to go to school for fear that the teacher would ask her to read and be reprimanded for her lousy pin yin or the lack of answers to questions that she never understood?

past-present-future

past-present-future

or m i the girl in highschool who had lots of friends and was happier then than now who started wavering in her faith and perhaps made certain decisions that partially led to me being the way i m now? the girl who was not allowed out with friends to the mall til after form 5? who had chicken pox that left a huge scar at not-so-strategic place? the girl who had her first bf but was constantly hurt then?

or do i retain to be the girl in foundation and uni that ppl then said she always smiled and had a cheery disposition? the girl who felt left out off and on as she had curfews but most of her peers were out partying and she never thought to rebel against the rules imposed on her and slowly her friends drifted apart? the girl who had to go home to help out with taking care of the kids and cooking etc. that some ppl (even friends) won’t understand as they’re privilege to either not have curfews (given freedom) or parents just give them money when ever they want or need it.

no. i m none of the above anymore. in my first year of work, i continued to pray and do my quiet time hoping to feel God back in my life or maybe he’s always there but i m trying too hard just like everything else in my life and then came the second year of work but by end of the year til now, i stopped believing in certain things.. i stopped controlling wat i say.. how i think…

i tot that some ppl were more than colleagues but i guess the feeling was not mutual. or perhaps it was my fault that in my first year, i didn’t hang out much with them as i had no car… limited amount of money and colleagues somehow loooove to go to expensive places ie chillis. so, where do i fit in? i tot by being “open” like them, perhaps i would feel part of the group. sometimes, i feel i m and yet other times i dun. it’s like occasionally i m invited to observe the secret club. my feedbacks are encouraged but not taken into account. omg. sounds like peer pressure!

if u know wat i m talking about, u would probably say that i didn’t try or that i m being too sensitive. then again, there were times when u probably felt just as i did. the only difference is, u found ur footing and ur confidantes.

i tot that all this insecurities n uncertainties are supposed to fade as one approaches adulthood but perhaps the foundation that i set was not strong enough and here i m, still swimming in a pool of uncertainties or rather more like sinking in them.

i want a change. i WANT TO change! but it’s always easier saying it than doing it.

i realised perhaps i ve wasted my past 5 years of my life on the nitty gritty things looking at ppl being wordly… but perhaps subconsciously i too, got sucked in to the world thinking that i had one foot in the “world” and the other in God when it should ALWAYS have been in God’s and there is no one to point at but myself. after all, despite anything and everything, i made those choices and all those other fingers are pointing back at me.

rules of life

rules of life

it’s not a matter of ” do i go on being the way i m?” or “do i change?” cos i definitely want a change and there is no one to depend on and maybe that is what God’s lesson is to me… depend on no one else but Him. maybe when i do start depending on Him wholeheartedly the uncertainties will fall away and i will know what i should know.

dun see me as an example of how a christian is (because i m not how a true christian should be at this point in my life) and dun see a christian behaving badly and let it stop u from experiencing it for urself cos look at me, i let stumbling blocks and hypocrisy cloud my decisions and for that i chose to react wrongly and immaturely and look at where i m now…

being a christian is not just having a religion. it’s not just about the “u can’t do this” and “u must do that”. to every rule there is a reason behind it. it is so much more that that and that is what i ve been wanting and it’s hard sometimes when u dun have the right encouragement or ppl really living the faith surrounding u and i m not saying that ppl who are not christians are any less nice. in fact, sad to say, it is the non-christians who haven been by my side.

man. i guess the way i blog and talk is how i feel and think. all jumble up and all over the place. hopefully, things will change. maybe this rat year is not my year and maybe next year will be it but it doesn’t matter. i want a change in me before i marry, before i start a family. i want to be a blessing to others and i hope that even when it hurts only to be other ppl’s doormat that i can still be there for them.

this post can go on and on and on and yet it will be the same ramblings over and over. i m better off than some ppl but there will always be other ppl who are better off than me. and the secret is to be contented with what i have but it doesn’t mean that i can’t continually strive to be the best that i can be and i hope that one day i can proudly say that i have achieved that happiness and optimism.

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