wasted weekend

August 17, 2008 at 9:47 pm (feelings) ()

how i feel

how i feel

i wasted yesterday and today sleeping, watching “House” and reading. I feel down. I dunno why. It’s definitely not because of the kennysia and icyqueengoddess scandal.

Maybe it’s because…

– of the freaking hot weather

– the pounding headache

– the incessant coughing that won’t cease

– stupid follow up job that i just don’t have the drive to do as i feel it’s that person’s responsibility in the first place to do it. Come on, most of us are busy with jobs etc and you had to just do this one job plus if you wanted to delegate work, then do it properly and ensure that it was carried out. Please spare me the pushing-blame rubbish. i have half the mind to sent you an email depicting you to finish your crap work and not push it on me to do. i m caught in between what you guys agreed with client, saying one thing and client saying another thing. so, who do i trust?

– that i m still stuck in my company. yeah, i may be given a big job to do come year end but the question that begs to be asked is, “can i manage it?” or will i screw things up? or maybe not able to meet deadlines?? and how will i fare under a different set of people from whom i m used to dealing with?

– i miss you so much sometimes it’s just saddening. when i think of my life, my family, my work and so called friends/colleagues. at least, when i was in brissy, i was away from the politics, oblivious to who is in who’s gang, who is close to who and what is happening and at least i don’t feel the out-of-the-picture, second- fiddle- to- ppl feeling or half the time it feels like everyone has their cliques and i don’t.

– how it feels that no one wants to do their bit. everything’s a mess. wat does going to church mean anything to u? does it make u a better person? i dun see u practising what u ‘re supposed to. then again. who am i to judge rite? i m now just a jaded skeptic who’s tired of living life being obligated all the time when you guys don’t seem to want to chip in and do your part. u re supposed to be the highest among us and should be leading and taking charge. where is the prayerful spirit, the grace that God showers upon u that u should shower on us, the patience that u bestow on others? and you… you’re smart, intelligent and have so many ideas. why the mental block? why stop yourself from being more than who you can be? you’re next in command, do something about it. don’t be afraid to take a stand, to be opinionated and stand by it no matter what others say. let her be, she’s getting on in her years, she needs us to take charge and start taking care of her. it’s time she has her time. her time to do what she wants with it. missions. whatever. but she can’t if we all don’t stand united and chip in.

– how i feel like i signed my life away. now i bear a heavy responsibility. if i don’t meet the deadlines on time, it might lead to brankruptcy. we don’t even have enough to do a proper renovation to my satisfaction. so, i m once again, stuck where i don’t want to be and i can’t leave unless the other side offers me.

– how life is passing me by and nothing’s changed. it’s supposed to be my year isn’t it? i declared it so at the very beginning. after all, it is the rat year! i should have moved on to other jobs, stayed in aussie and away from all the nonsense drivel and politics.

– the superficial things bothers me. how i can’t be as slim as i used to be, have smoother skin like a baby’s bottom, to feel like i m pretty or smart or witty. how others seem to have it… wealth, health, beauty, intelligence etc… how come bad people seem to get away with things. how family treat others better. how ppl can be friends but not act like one. how there is always secrets and politics and scandals etc.

at the end of the day, what is worth it? i m just the smallest, and insignificant.

who am i to you? do i matter? do i mean anything to anyone?

what is my legacy if i cease to exist? have i made a difference in anybody’s life?

i wish i knew the answer then maybe i won’t feel so desolate and meaningless.

ps: sorry God for not being faithful to you and for not being who you want me to be. it’s hard with all the hypocrisy going on. i wish i could be that child once again, with the faith that u r my everything and that i can do anything with ur strength and most importantly, that i will be with u in heaven come that day that i no longer cease to exist.


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