finally…. my hols

July 9, 2008 at 5:24 pm (feelings) ()

it’s my 4th day here in brisbane already. i tot that i would have felt all excited when i left msia on fri nite but instead, i was working like mad, rushing to clear whatever i could and hand over my files to colleagues (juniors) who will be assisting me while i m await, left office almost 6ish pm, rushed home for a shower, say ta-ta to my mother and left for KLIA- LCCT (low cost carrier terminal) to catch my flight to gold coast!

the traffic on the highway was a little bit slow and had me worried for a second that i might not make it in time. anyways, reached LCCT about close to 8ish pm, checked in, had ice blended mocha n vanilla with my bro and sis. i was super tensed and flustered and somethings that they said to me ie “why u didn’t bring ur laptop back instead of ur sling back?“, “u shouldn’t carry too much bags while travelling alone” etc really ticked me off! but all in all, i was thankful and happy that they made the effort to see me off. thanks che and ko!

so, the flight was relatively smooth except for some mini turbulence. i read a bit and tried to sleep. it was rather hard as i was having back aches due to “that time of the month” and somehow i couldn’t get comfortable. i was sitting at the side of the centre 4 seater along with these 2 elderly couple who spoke to me in cantonese but i replied in mandarin and was fairly pleased that i could converse with them for several minutes, understanding what they were saying. they’re from ipoh and were going to gold coast for the marathon. man, how sporting and adventurous!!!

i reached coolongatta (at gold coast terminal) and there were loads of ppl. bf fetched me and we had to scrap our initial plan to stay for a nite and headed back to brisbane. it’s already thursday in several hours and somehow, i don’t feel as excited or as happy as i was here in july last year. maybe it’s the fact that i m having a serious case of pms-ing and emoness or i m in a serious case of depression. but not that super serious depressed mode. more like i-hate-work and i-don’t-want-to-go-back to work kind of depression.

was a little under the weather the past few days. couldn’t really relax due to worries about office work. i admit i didn’t go a proper hand over jobs to those following up on my files as they were out and i was kinda busy settling this other file that was just a pain in the ass as one minute, the client will agree to the adjustment and after lunch, they’ll change their fickle minds despite me already factoring in the adjustments. and i had to check my personal email the past few days to see if there are any emails from work as i couldn’t access into my office mail which is strange as i could log in to it last year.

ytd, went to watched “kungfu panda” at indooropilly mall. finally! there were some funny moments ie the part where the praying mantis was doing some acupuncture stuff on Po and caused his face to be distorted but the show was overall and ok show to me. watched “hancock” on sunday nite at sunny bank with bf and several of his friends and most of them found the show to be rather lucklustre but i tot it was alrite. after the movie, we walked to toowong to get pizza as there are specials on tuesday! borrowed several movies and walked back to bf’s crib.

well, mainly taking things easy this week relaxing and catching up on my sleep. but somehow, i don’t feel as joyful as before and my bf has noticed it. i m sorry but there are just too many things to worry about. housing loan, cpa, work, obligations that hinders me from resigning unless i find another job that pays well. and i just want to do sth i like but i m just average in everything. that’s the problem.

i m just a regular jane. no beauty or brains to boast about. no witty comebacks or personality to draw ppl to me. i m like a shadow hiding in the background. no one clamours to be my best friend. no one is drawn to my corniness. i have changed to be someone who’s the opposite of sunshine. i ve become so good at bluffing. bluffing ppl that i m alrite, that i m ok with them, that i m ok with how things are when sometimes, i can’t help but feel a twinge of resentment. and that’s probably leading me on the road to where brimstones burn like mad.

i wanna be that cheerful, carefree and joyous me that i was once upon a time ago. will i be able to be that person ever? i wished that i was non-existant. i wished that my plane will crash on my way back to msia. then, i dont have to go back to crappy work and myhousing loan will be waived and my family wont’ need to worry about paying up the loan. i don’t have to feel left out all the time and as if i m a nobody or be other ppl’s back-up plan. wat kind of person even harbours this kind of morbid thoughts?

pls free me from my invisible cage and set me free…

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