now i remember why…

July 31, 2008 at 9:25 pm (feelings) ()

i m sad.

i feel depressed, stressed, alone, left out, doing everything and tired out.

it’s all because…

no one cares about the “garden” or rather more like a jungle, no one cares about the living & dining room and all the junk piled there, no one cares about russell and the sores he spots and even patches now i have them, no one cares enough to bathe them either, no once cares enough to scrub and clean the toilet from dirt, moss and hair! no one cares to stand united and do their little bit to make everyone happier…

he doesn’t care about our welfare and how everyone seems to be disgruntled or rather the majority, there is no fairness or justice, some ppl do it-that’s ok but some who to do-it’s not ok, some get higher benefits when sometimes those of equal standing does not share that same amount of benefits, there’s no proper allocation with good and responsible team,

after all these years, i am still clueless, i am so confuse as to my path, to apply for which job, to stay, stick back to accounting, should i reach for the stars, should i be conventional, how do i be bitchy, how do i be the everybody-likes-me kind of person, should i stay or should i go, which one should i go to, do i apply now or later and the list keeps going on.

i used to blog more openly but now i feel stiffled and as if i have to monitor wat i say. maybe if i do blog and show the real me, no one would want to know me. if everyone did not show restrain at all in their behaviour and attitude, i think 90% of ppl will be hated. no one can please everyone.

now i see it, although my brisbane holiday was not spectacularly amazing as i basically just relaxed and laze around but everyday back here reminds me of why i was tired, sad, depressed, stressed and burnt out! my brisbane hol was my reprieve from hellhole on earth and what i would give to just go back there to…

friends who aren’t clique-ish, who welcome with open minds and full of laughter, to have a hand to hold me and steady me, a shoulder to lean on when i m tired, ears to hear me whine and laugh, eyes to really see me for me, a mind to stimulate me and to educate me, an arm to hug and craddle me when i get disgruntled or sad, basically, you…

you, who annoy me sometimes and make me so pissing mad that i wanna smack you but at the end of the day is ever patient with me and indulging me and pushing me on when i need a nudge.

YOU, who is and are my boyfriend and bestfriend, i miss you so very much…

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it’s time to say goodbye… again…

July 27, 2008 at 1:48 am (goodbyes) ()

*sigh*

*sobs….*

*wails!!!*

– i don’t want to part with you

– i hate work!!

– i don’t feel like i fit in. hence, always feel left out

– ppl have their cliques, own personal/private jokes, own agendas

– i m just a plain jane

i have a feeling that my blog will be back to be depressing as i’ll be leaving back for hellhole with a sucky job, with no friends (or it feels that way), no more hugs and kisses, no more couply stuff and once again… famaily obligations! it’s not that i have a prob with it but it would be so much better if everyone chipped in and do their part no matter how small the contribution is..

If only we had won the AUD50million jackpot or even just a part of it or AUD10mil or even AUD1mil would have made not just my day but my life! Seriously, if i had/won AUD50mil, i would give it to my friends who have been there for me and who financially need it or their circumstances aren’t too good but once again, it appears to only be a fools’ dream.

and i m but a fool… or at least i would like to think so!

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wed 16 july08

July 24, 2008 at 11:13 am (musing) ()

It would seem that I am not so regular in my blogging anymore. It’s like I have things I want to say but somehow I either don’t have the time to blog or when I do, I can’t seem to find the words to type.

It would be nice if I could be an accomplish blogger like the ever witty and smart Pinkpau, typical and somewhat amusing Kennysia but I guess they didn’t blog for the purpose of becoming famous and all but just for the pure delight of writing.

Me? I like to write but my entries tend to be groaning and moaning about work and how I dread it and how I hate it etc. and tends to be depressive entries as per my siblings. Well, at least for the past 11days, everyday feels like a Saturday/Sunday where I can just relax, sleep in, wake up late, go to the malls, just walk, cook, read my novels and be with my bf.

But in 11days time, it’s back to sucky work. I really wished that there was something that I could do to delay the inevitable. Wouldn’t it be just amazingly great if my bf wins the AUD40million jackpot??? Just give me AUD5mil or even AUD1million and I will be a happy camper!! Half of me just scoffs at this fanciful wish/dream and the other half can’t help but foolishly wish that it will materialize. *fingers crossed*

With the money, I can:
1. buy a house for my family
2. quit my job and start my own business
3. or pursue a course that I desire ie designing
4. be with my bf who would probably proposed if we had the money

but who hasn’t had this wish that they had strike the 1million dollar jackport?

I was calculating, I earn on average RM20 and that’s not even factoring the OT hours I put it. If I were to work part time in Australia that pays me AUD20 an hour, it will be more worth it as it’ll definitely beat auditing ANYDAY and definitely less stress and consider after the exchange rate conversion!!

Anyhow, during my last hols here last year and this round, I’ve come to admire or rather can’t help but love Australia as:

1. Toilets are clean, dry and ALWAYS stocked with tissue paper!!
I am not just talking about the suburbs (small towns) but even in the city unlike toilets in Malaysia. Malaysia is probably famous for its dirty toilets on top of piracy concerns and ludicrous, political debacle and its so-called-MPs. Toilets are forever atrociously disgusting what with wet floored-stinky-urine-smells, lack of tissue paper and yucky-stepped on toilet seats which makes one wonder how can people not know how to use the bathroom. Hmmmm…

2. People are just warm and courteous!
– anyone and everyone or most people will say “thank you”s to the bus driver when they get off at their stop.
– when one goes shopping may it be a clothes retail shop or eatery, one is greeted with a “good day”, “how are you today?”, “hello there” and so on and so forth. How unlike cashiers in Malaysia who’ll just show a sulky, pissed off look all the time! Ok. Ok. Most times!

3. Sales/ Specials/ Good bargains!
I just luuurrrrvvveee the specials here. At Coles, Woolworths or Big W (which is like Malaysia’s Tesco and Giant), the are constantly offering good bargains or specials ie Tim Tam normally costs about AUD3-4 per single pack and sometimes with offer, it could be AUD1.99 or sometimes less wherelse it costs RM10 in Malaysia with no specials!

Anyways, the above was typed last wed while i was at Nandos at Clayfield waiting for my bf to finish work as he missed me and didn’t want to be apart. *hehe* I will try to include some pics in the next few posts.

Til then, adieu!

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finally…. my hols

July 9, 2008 at 5:24 pm (feelings) ()

it’s my 4th day here in brisbane already. i tot that i would have felt all excited when i left msia on fri nite but instead, i was working like mad, rushing to clear whatever i could and hand over my files to colleagues (juniors) who will be assisting me while i m await, left office almost 6ish pm, rushed home for a shower, say ta-ta to my mother and left for KLIA- LCCT (low cost carrier terminal) to catch my flight to gold coast!

the traffic on the highway was a little bit slow and had me worried for a second that i might not make it in time. anyways, reached LCCT about close to 8ish pm, checked in, had ice blended mocha n vanilla with my bro and sis. i was super tensed and flustered and somethings that they said to me ie “why u didn’t bring ur laptop back instead of ur sling back?“, “u shouldn’t carry too much bags while travelling alone” etc really ticked me off! but all in all, i was thankful and happy that they made the effort to see me off. thanks che and ko!

so, the flight was relatively smooth except for some mini turbulence. i read a bit and tried to sleep. it was rather hard as i was having back aches due to “that time of the month” and somehow i couldn’t get comfortable. i was sitting at the side of the centre 4 seater along with these 2 elderly couple who spoke to me in cantonese but i replied in mandarin and was fairly pleased that i could converse with them for several minutes, understanding what they were saying. they’re from ipoh and were going to gold coast for the marathon. man, how sporting and adventurous!!!

i reached coolongatta (at gold coast terminal) and there were loads of ppl. bf fetched me and we had to scrap our initial plan to stay for a nite and headed back to brisbane. it’s already thursday in several hours and somehow, i don’t feel as excited or as happy as i was here in july last year. maybe it’s the fact that i m having a serious case of pms-ing and emoness or i m in a serious case of depression. but not that super serious depressed mode. more like i-hate-work and i-don’t-want-to-go-back to work kind of depression.

was a little under the weather the past few days. couldn’t really relax due to worries about office work. i admit i didn’t go a proper hand over jobs to those following up on my files as they were out and i was kinda busy settling this other file that was just a pain in the ass as one minute, the client will agree to the adjustment and after lunch, they’ll change their fickle minds despite me already factoring in the adjustments. and i had to check my personal email the past few days to see if there are any emails from work as i couldn’t access into my office mail which is strange as i could log in to it last year.

ytd, went to watched “kungfu panda” at indooropilly mall. finally! there were some funny moments ie the part where the praying mantis was doing some acupuncture stuff on Po and caused his face to be distorted but the show was overall and ok show to me. watched “hancock” on sunday nite at sunny bank with bf and several of his friends and most of them found the show to be rather lucklustre but i tot it was alrite. after the movie, we walked to toowong to get pizza as there are specials on tuesday! borrowed several movies and walked back to bf’s crib.

well, mainly taking things easy this week relaxing and catching up on my sleep. but somehow, i don’t feel as joyful as before and my bf has noticed it. i m sorry but there are just too many things to worry about. housing loan, cpa, work, obligations that hinders me from resigning unless i find another job that pays well. and i just want to do sth i like but i m just average in everything. that’s the problem.

i m just a regular jane. no beauty or brains to boast about. no witty comebacks or personality to draw ppl to me. i m like a shadow hiding in the background. no one clamours to be my best friend. no one is drawn to my corniness. i have changed to be someone who’s the opposite of sunshine. i ve become so good at bluffing. bluffing ppl that i m alrite, that i m ok with them, that i m ok with how things are when sometimes, i can’t help but feel a twinge of resentment. and that’s probably leading me on the road to where brimstones burn like mad.

i wanna be that cheerful, carefree and joyous me that i was once upon a time ago. will i be able to be that person ever? i wished that i was non-existant. i wished that my plane will crash on my way back to msia. then, i dont have to go back to crappy work and myhousing loan will be waived and my family wont’ need to worry about paying up the loan. i don’t have to feel left out all the time and as if i m a nobody or be other ppl’s back-up plan. wat kind of person even harbours this kind of morbid thoughts?

pls free me from my invisible cage and set me free…

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