the glass ALWAYS seems half empty to me

June 20, 2008 at 12:29 am (feelings) ()

Well, call me pessmisitic, depressive, melancholic. Anything you can name that is related to negativity, that’s me. Period. Which is rather unfortunate for my mental health and everyone else’s around me. =p

It would seem that since working at my firm, I have not grown to be a lovelier person, a smarter person or a better person. Instead, i have become more impatient, less tolerant, anger easily and a tendency to scold more. And after my secondment to JB, it would seem that I cuss more. Ok ok. Not as bad as most people but the basic damn, shit and ooooohhhh- my- Gods.

So, it would seem that the most logical step is to find a new job right? Well, it’s not that simple. I have tried but am still searching. I wished I could resign and take the time to reassess myself, to reprioritise, to search me cos it seems that I have become a person I don’t like. Sad to say, white lies are easier to say and pass on even without the guilty feelings.

What has happenned to the goody-two-shoes me?

Flushed down the drain after 2years and 6 months of working life at my “fantastic” firm. Seriously, one of the core values are integrity but somehow, I am sure that there are going ons in the firm that somehow does not jive with integrity and is the very opposite of it! But that’s not for me to ponder on as my heart and soul is not in the firm and never was to begin with.

Such is the life of a person who feels as if she has to bear most of the family responsibilities. Somehow, I am wondering if God is playing a cruel joke on me. Time after time, i tell myself to stop having morbid thoughts that others ie my mother/sister/bf admonished me from even having such thoughts but to no avail. It’s as if I am like Anakin Skywalker, drawn to the darkside.

Today, when I reached my desk, I saw 2 files out from partner’s room and opened my inbox in the morning, tears nearly threatened to spill. I felt so overwhelm thinking of the queries I have to clear adn reading the emails dictating the things that I have to get done that I had the strong urge to just drive home and sleep. Sleep and never wake up.

Even when I called my bf, I felt tears in my eyes and had to really hold the tears and will them to stay bottled in. Thankfully my colleague let me off for today from assisting him with console work so that I can try to clear my back logs and it made my day so much more breatheable.

And that is why in life, we have to be thankful at times for the little things cos it’s the little things that makes a whole lot of difference at the end of the day. It is always the little things, the little petty issues/arguments that crawls under our skin and pisses us off. It is the little things that are usually swept under the carpet that will explode into a big thing.

And what’s left at the end of it?

Broken friendships, broken relationships and ppl nowadays just take the easy way out citing “irreconciliable differences” when all one had to do was…

….. the little thing.

curtesy of my bf.. sunset at cooloundra, sunshine coast.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: